How to drink on a weekday:

Published on 16 September 2021 at 12:07

How to drink on a weekday:

Hard day? Ain’t seen a mate in a while? Time to get to the pub.There really is something special about heading straight to the pub, or cracking open a can, without even changing out of your work clothes. That first pint, with the condensation of the glass matching the perspiration on your forehead. Ah fuck, I need a drink now. The question is though: how much is too much to drink on a school night, so you don’t ruin tomorrow? being hungover at work fucking sucks, because your patience is slipping and you hate everyone even more. Fortunately, I’ve tried to figure out a few was to catch that post work buzz, without fucking up tomorrow morning.

 

4 beer buzz:

 

Firstly, find your limit. For most this should be 2-4 beers. Stick to this magic number and you should be able to keep yourself stress free and entertained for a few hours, without too much pain the next day. Stray over this limit, however and you will fucking die. If you go over this then you may aswell get so fucked up that the world is still spinning tomorrow morning. So, the next step is to try a few methods to enhance the effects of those few drinks…

 

Empty stomach:

 

Oldest trick in the book. Tried, true and tested. The 4 beers will hit you even harder if you’ve just come from work too, because your tired and trying to relax. The best way to save money and a muggy head in the morning.

 

4 beers and 4 blasts:

 

If you smoke, then weed will be your best friend for increasing the buzz. A little puff after 2 beers will be enough to turn those few drinks into feeling like a few more, which will be ideal for not going too crazy on the drink. You should also be able to sleep through the weed come down and be fresh as a daisy in the morning. Of course this is a slightly different sort of buzz, however you’ll be chatting shit, and munching kebabs on the bus  home all the same. This method is particularly good if you’re with those who are throwing a sickie in the morning, as you will be closer to their vibe. Just don’t let the reefa fool you into a false sense of comfort; that alarm will be screaming in the morning no matter how irie you feel tonight!

 

Start early:

 

make sure that you start as early as possible. If you end up with a half day then this works better, but not everyone is a tradesman or a teacher. So either way; Hurry up Harry we are going down the pub! If you can be in bed by 10:30, then you’re winning; even better if you’ve had a nice bit of grub and are already on your way to sober town.

 

Start late

Now, obviously this isn’t ideal, but if you can get away with coming in an hour or so late then do it. Cars are ideal for this. Say your car wouldn’t start, or you had a low speed crash on the way. Nothing too serious because you drove the fucking thing into work… obviously. If you have kids then they are infinite excuse bags. Those shits are always being sick and that. If all else fails, then just say you had a heart attack or something, but…like a small one.

 

T total:

Don’t drink if you don’t want to be hungover you dumb cunt. But don’t do that because that’s what adults and other proper people do.

 

In case of emergency:

Ah shit, you fucked it. You’ve had 6 beers and two jäger bombs. DO NOT PANIC. Just call a sickie you pussy. If you’ve already feigned every minor disease known to man kind, then just make one up. Call your boss that night and tell him you’ve just shat out a whole purple daffodil and think you may have rectum garden syndrome. Make up a stupid Posh sounding name for it too “ I looked it up and it may be rectum garden syndrome… yeah it’s a rare disease… yeah it’s also called… brown bloomer syndrome or something.” hook. Line. Sinker.

 

If you can’t:

drink 10 pints of water before you go to bed. Your not going to bed until you have either young man!  if it takes you until 1, then stay up until 1. Set at least 10 alarms, with each one 1 min apart from the other. This will force you to turn each one off and give you time to think about what you’ve done. If you’re a weed smoker then you’re pretty much set here, because you can escape the pain and still have a reasonably productive work day. God let Bob Marley invent dope specifically to relive hangovers. A few puffs of last nights bud and you’ll be on your feet. If you’re not a pot head then avoid weed, because you definitely ain’t making it to work now. Snort 4 tablets of Barroca and throw your kit on. Make sure you’ve got a lot of water and try to fuck off home by 3.

 

 


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