Top 5 most badass Jesus moments

Published on 19 April 2022 at 14:44

Top 5 Badass Jesus Moments for young adults

Jesus Christ of Nazareth AKA: the king of Jews, prophet of Christians and King of cool. Jesus’ life is documented in the bible from the words of his disciples, who kept a chronicle of our saviours’ life. Though the bible talks of the baby Jesus as being created by God, in our image; developing and learning like any other mortal infant, he would later grow to be the holiest badass in the middle east.

5. Cleansing of the temple- Matthew 21:12-17

Un-justified violence is always un-cool, however, justified violence inflicted in the name of God is Badass. The sneaky money changers in the temple were changing money, at a cost, for tributes in the temple. When Jesus saw this, he proclaimed, “…My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you make it a den of robbers.”  Jesus, wielding a whip like Indiana Jones, drove the money changers out of the temple. Not only flipping the heavy, solid, wooden tables but taking on an even greater task; separating the Jews from their business.

4. Resisting temptation- Matthew 4:1-11

What’s cooler than action? Doing nothing. After being baptised, our hero took to the desert for 40 days and nights. In the bleak wilderness of the Judean Desert, Jesus stood alone against the dark temptations of the Devil.  Determined to fast for 40 days, Jesus stood strong against the lures of Satan, who urged Jesus to use his Holy power to turn stones into bread. Christ stood against these temptations and served his 40 daysfast without falling to temptation. This motivates us to stay away from the temptations of the devil and empowers us to avoid all types of sin, in the name of the father. So, next time you wish to over-indulge on cookies, or partake in the over-wiping of your butthole, you must resist.

3. King of comebacks- John 8:44  

Jesus’ utterances and teachings are some his greatest badass moments.  On the Olive Mountain, Jesus began to teach. First, after saving an adulterous woman from stoning, Jesus was questioned by his enemies, on the legitimacy of his own birth and the identity of his own father- perhaps, on the grounds of his completion? Jesus clapped back to the gathering to who he preached, “You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your fathers desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Christ proclaiming that children are born to act as their fathers proclaims that his adversaries, who wish not to listen are the children of Satan, for they act like him. We must be reminded to act instead like our own father, God. We must act in our fathers, loving and peaceful ways. Daddy didn’t raise no bitch, so as his children we shall begin to cull the scum of the earth; riding the varmint wasps, which inhabit this rotten nest of sin. The two million cleansed in the Old Testament, shall act as our goal as we fertilise this hallowed earth with the blood of the infidel. Purging the earth of Satan, the obese and over-wipers.  

2. The return Mark 16: 1-8

  Like all badasses throughout history, our saviour cannot be killed. Following his capture by the Romans, Jesus was forced to carry his cross, which is estimated to have weighed 168 pounds, through Jerusalem. Jesus was pinned to the cross, and despite suffering unimaginable agony, as he bled and starved to death, bore his fate with stoic dignity. Jesus paid for the sinners and even sodomisers with love and pride. Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday. Jesus’ body was laid to rest in a tomb and a boulder rolled over the entrance. Come Easter Sunday, his disciples found the tomb open and Jesus missing. Like Tupac, Jesus wasn’t actually dead. Instead of seeking refuge in Argentina, Jesus was truly back. Showing the palm of his hands Christ declared his encore, and the saviour roamed earth until his ascension to heaven, where he waits for those that, his dad likes. What could be more badass then frigging coming back to frigging life! 

1. He was African American- Da Bible

At number one, by far the most badass moment of Jesus’ life,possibly started at his conception. Jesus was in fact, like all badass people, a black man. It states in the book of Daniel that “his hair was… as wool,” and his feet “were like burnished bronze.” This rare insight to Jesus’ appearance, depicts him with kinky hair and ashy, ebony feet. Not only did Jesus have to face the persecutions of the Romans, the devil and even the Jews, but he had to face the discrimination of the white man. This raises questions, my young brothers, and sisters. Now, I know what y’all are thinking, because this raises questions on the nature of Christ’s real father. That’s right, is God black?It’s possible that his stint in Egypt turned him black, however any further verses must have been suppressed from us. It is said by Jesus blacktivists, that there are verses that were removed by the Vatican, which speak of Jesus, “Hot-stepping through Jerusalem donning crimson-bottomed sandals… shrouded in Gucci robes” and “The modesty of the Christ’s chest were preserved with a raiders shirt and a thick star of David chain draped overeth.”  Despite ancient Racism, Jesus spread the true world of the gospel. Much to whitie’s chagrin, the son of God was BIPOC, therefore they lynched him on the cross. A martyr for our sins and civil rights.     

 


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